Thursday, July 15

Chemo Round 3, Day 13

Today was one of those days where I just felt sorry for myself. I have lost grandparents to horrible diseases like Alzheimer's and Lou Gehrig's Disease, and I lost my only sibling to a brain aneurysm when he was only 23; I don't understand why those painful experiences weren't already enough for a lifetime. I don't understand why I had to go through so much to become a parent, and now I have to watch my child suffer, and face the possibility of losing him. It's hard to see other kids Collin's age doing the normal things he should be able to do but can't right now, like walk and talk, or have play dates. I'm tired of being thrown up on, or always being on the lookout for signs I'm about to be thrown up on, and of cleaning up vomit and other bodily functions. I'm sad, and scared, and angry, and tired, and nowhere near as strong as people say I am.

Collin made it through last night and breakfast this morning without throwing up, so since I had some things to do (laundry, etc.) and Collin always wants to be with me, I thought I'd put him in the mei tai carrier that we used to love so much and wear him on my back so I could get a few things done. I started going about my chores, and, of course, that's when Collin threw up. All over himself and my back. Then in the process of trying to clean him up, the dressing over his Broviac came off with his clothes (the dressing was smaller than normal and apparently wasn't sticking as well), so I had to change that. I had only ever done the dressing change with supervision, never completely on my own, so I was nervous about it; it has to be kept sterile. But I had no choice. The dressing kits that the home health agency provided are a little different than the ones I had used in the hospital; the biggest problem was that the sterile gloves were too small, which makes things more difficult. There were also no extra masks, and I had to open a second kit to get a mask for Neya to wear while she held Collin's hands to keep him from touching the site, which meant that the rest of the kit is not sterile anymore for a future dressing change. Then I had difficulty getting the sterile gloves on; I ruined the pair from the kit I was using by accidentally touching the outside of one glove with my ungloved other hand; and then I ripped a glove from the kit that had contained Neya's mask, so I had to open a third kit. Luckily I got those gloves on and was finally able to change the dressing before having to go into the fourth and last sterile kit I had.

The nurse from the home health agency came this evening to teach us how to do the subcutaneous injections of Neupogen that will stimulate Collin's bone marrow to produce the blood cells that will help him fight infection. He has had the drug following the previous rounds of chemo, but when it was administered in the hospital, it was done as an IV infusion through his Broviac. Bill and I gave hormone injections to me when we were going through fertility treatments, but it's different to give an injection to your own child. The needles are small, and the injection goes into fatty tissue, not muscle, but it's still really hard emotionally for me to do to Collin because I know it hurts. I hope we don't have to give them for long. On the plus side, when the nurse looked at the dressing I did today, he gave it an A+.