Monday July 12

Chemo Round 3 Day 10

I woke up hoping for an easy morning to make the transition back to the hospital less stressful, but things don't always go the way you hope. Yesterday I had made sure the things we'd need to take with us today were ready, and had tried to make sure things around the house were caught up, like laundry, vacuuming, etc. so I wouldn't be coming home to a whole mess of things to do. Collin woke up this morning and had a small episode of vomitting, but luckily that was only on the waterproof pad I had under him, so it didn't get on the bed; I didn't want to have to change the bed this morning. I changed his diaper, and then nursed and played with him until Bill could take over playing with him while I got myself ready for the day. When Bill was ready, I went to give Collin to him, and realized that in the short amount of time since I had changed his diaper, Collin had pooped, and it had leaked-all over him, me, and of course, the bed. So I ended up having to change the bed anyway this morning, 

We had Collin's clinic appointment this morning. His vitals were taken, his labs were drawn, and we saw the doctor. Then we had to wait for his dose of Vincristine to come from the pharmacy, so we went to the cafeteria to have some lunch. Of course during lunch, Collin threw up, on himself and the stroller. I got him cleaned up, changed his diaper while I was at it, and then we returned to the clinic to wait for his chemo. A few minutes later, I thought I needed to change his diaper again, and the nurse came to get us for the chemo. I carried Collin to the exam room, and when I layed him on the exam table, I realized Collin's leg, and of course my shirt, were covered in poop. I had an extra outfit for him, so I got him cleaned up and changed, but I didn't have extra clothes for me. So I cleaned my shirt as much as I could, and the nurse gave me a patient gown to wear over my shirt until we got to Collin's hospital room and I could change. After he received his dose of chemo, we went up to the lobby to wait for Bill to come with our things, and then went up to Collin's room.

It is nice to see so many familiar faces now that we're back in the hospital, and at least the hospital routine is now familiar as well, but both Collin and I just want to go back home. At least this stay should only be two nights; it will definitely be harder to come back when it will be for a longer stretch. Having to put most of the rest of my life on hold because of cancer gets me down sometimes; today one of my best friends from college had her first baby, and I couldn't even go to see her and the baby like I so desperately wanted to. Even though I know she understands, it really made me sad, and I feel like I'm missing out on something special. I guess I envy her too in a way, because I remember the joy of having a new baby, and all the dreams you have for that tiny new person; I wish my dreams weren't now tinged with uncertainty and fear.