I should be asleep. Heaven knows I'm so exhausted I could sleep for days. But I can't get past the shock. I can hardly breathe let alone think or function well.  I actually wasn't overly anxious this morning. I finally let myself think rationally: Collin is doing great! He looks good! He's making such great progress! I see it every day, and that's what everyone says when they see him. So how can this be? How can it be that I feel like we're right back at the beginning again, after all we've been through? Didn't that count for anything? 

Unfortunately I know more than I did the first time around. I know what it's like to watch your kid puke his guts out and need a feeding tube or TPN to keep him from losing too much weight. To watch his beautiful soft hair and long eyelashes fall out because of the poison being pumped through his veins. To watch him endure high fevers because his immune system is shot. To be forced apart from my other child and my husband so that I can stay by my baby's side. To watch him fight to regain what this damned disease takes away. To live with the constant fear I was starting to let go of.

I have a million questions in my head tonight. What is this nodule? Will he need more surgery? More chemo? Radiation now that he's almost 3? What horrible side effects will he have to live with? How much more damage will his little body be forced to endure? Will we need to go to a different hospital, possibly in a different state, to get whatever treatment he will need? How will the four of us handle long periods of separation if we do have to travel for care? What will the cost be financially? What about all the things we were looking forward to: me finally finishing getting the house back to normal, our visit to Altoona, the THON Family Carnival, the fundraiser in November, Thanksgiving, Collin's 3rd birthday, Neya's 2nd grade Christmas concert at the state capitol building, Christmas, THON, Neya's First Holy Communion, her dance recital next June? Along with my peace of mind and my sanity, how much more will cancer take from us? And how will we survive it?